Are We All Just a Little Toxic? Rethinking Modern Love and the Search for Perfection
I often hear people - friends, strangers, social media voices - say things like “my ex was a narcissist”, or “they were toxic”, or “I think they’re a sociopath”. And while I don’t doubt that some relationships are genuinely harmful and people do experience emotional abuse, I can’t help but wonder: are we maybe throwing these labels around a little too easily?
Maybe it's not always about the other person being deeply flawed or pathologically toxic. Maybe it's just that our own unique flaws and trauma responses clash. Aren’t we all a little toxic in our own ways?
No one is perfect. We all carry baggage, patterns, defense mechanisms, and ways we react when we feel unsafe or unseen. Maybe what we call “toxicity” is just someone else's unhealed wounds brushing up against ours in a way that doesn’t work. Maybe it’s not that they’re a narcissist - maybe you both just weren’t a match.
The Historical Pressure to Settle
Just one or two generations ago, being in a relationship wasn’t optional. It was survival.
Women, especially, had very few alternatives. Being unmarried was often seen as shameful, even suspicious. Men without families? Socially questionable. “Why isn’t he married? What’s wrong with him?” Even in business, people trusted a man more if he had a wife and children - it signaled stability and reliability.
So people compromised - a lot. They stayed. They tolerated. They molded themselves to fit, because the alternative was often social exile, financial insecurity, or worse. The idea of “finding your soulmate” or waiting for someone who ticks all your boxes would have been laughably indulgent.
The Freedom (and Frustration) of Choice
Fast forward to now: we’re free. More financially independent. Socially liberated. Women don’t need to get married to have status or survival. Men don’t need to prove themselves by building the nuclear family. And with dating apps, travel, therapy, and self-help culture, we have options.
But with options comes… expectation. We don’t have to compromise anymore, so why should we?
We want someone emotionally intelligent, funny, stable, attractive, financially responsible, ambitious but not workaholic, a good communicator but not overbearing, spontaneous but reliable, deeply self-aware but never pretentious. Oh - and someone whose flaws don’t trigger our insecurities.
I’ll admit it - I want that too. But I also know it’s a tall order.
Alone, But Not Lonely
The truth is, I genuinely enjoy my life. I love deep connections, great conversations, dates with my clients, and those moments of electric intimacy - without the mess of someone leaving their dirty underwear on the floor or snoring in my bed. I don’t want to negotiate whose turn it is to do basic everyday tasks or explain why I need alone time after a long day.
Am I spoilt? Maybe. Am I okay with that? Honestly, yes.
I’m not against relationships. I believe in love - real love, conscious love. But I’m not interested in contorting myself to fit into something that doesn’t feel right, just for the sake of not being alone. I’d rather wait, or maybe never settle down at all, than end up in a dynamic where we’re just triggering each other’s wounds.
So, What Now?
Maybe the point isn’t to find someone perfect or label people as “toxic” when they aren’t. Maybe the point is to understand ourselves better - our own patterns, triggers, expectations - and try to meet others where they are, with compassion and boundaries.
And if we don’t find someone who fits just right?
Then maybe we just keep enjoying the freedom of being alone, living fully, loving freely, and remembering that partnership is a choice, not a requirement.
Looking for a fun date where we can enjoy delicious food and wine together, connect on a deeper level, strip each other of our clothes with overwhelming passion, share some intimate time, and then return to our respective homes? Get in touch :)